Zombie Friday S1/ep.11

To all you devoted and loyal followers of my zombie series, nicely done...To all you dubious and disinterested non-followers, I pity you. You should have listened and implemented all the invaluable information I provided. You can no longer doubt the existence of zombies, for as you can plainly see from the photo,  I have obtained undeniable evidence. This is a zombie finger. And it ain't pretty. Do you really want to risk having this finger poke your eye out? I thought not...so start taking my advice seriously. I told you they are real! and you didn't believe me...so let's move on to tonight's episode...

Due to the flood of questions I have received, I will take this opportunity to answer each one...We'll call it Zombie Q & A.....(It took me several days to come up with that title, by the way)

        1. How do I recognize a zombie?
                what a stupid question! Isn't it obvious? Unless you're surrounded by slow, ugly flesh-eating, blood soaked, undead creatures every day, you should have no problem recognizing one. 
       
        2. What do I do if I see one?
                 walk up to it, introduce yourself, shake it's hand and invite it to dinner. Another stupid question! I don't know....RUN AWAY, maybe? 
       
       3. How is the best way to kill a zombie?
                  Ok, this is actually a legitimate question. As I have stated repeatedly, the weapon of choice is the bow and arrow. An axe or any other blunt object will also do. Unless you're trying to attract a fleet of zombies, avoid using guns. Just don't poke it with a stick...it hates that..

        4. What do I look for when selecting a bad-ass commander for my ZDI?
                    I recommend sitting down and watching "the expendables"...they are perfect examples of bad ass commander material. don't forget- he has to score a 15 on the hunk-o-meter. if you're unsure of a possible candidates score, feel free to send me his picture and I will be more than happy to assess his hunk capability. DO NOT choose your commander from any films entitled "revenge of the nerds" or "animal house"....or Donald Sutherland...

        5. How long should I expect to remain in hiding?
                       forever
   
        6. What do I do if I am bit or exposed to zombie germs?
                       nothing. You're toast. 

keep the questions coming! And make sure you tune in tomorrow. It's October 1st and it's my favorite month! I will be doing all things Halloween and 31 days of scariest places on earth, ending with Dracula's castle. Vlad the Impaler. Now there's the ultimate bad ass commander if there ever was one. If he doesn't kill you first. 

                 *footnote* 
                         This finger was found in the deserts of Arizona. A location known for high concentrations of zombies. Let's just hope they aren't zombie clowns. I'm willing to bet they are. Those Arizona folk do like the circus quite a bit, so I will leave you with:
                                    tip #13- don't vacation in Arizona 

bosom gifts and bombs

This entry is dedicated to my Aunt.  She is a wonderful Aunt and a very lovely woman..and she's crazy. We don't know how or why she started it, but she has this nasty habit of commandeering your  Christmas and birthday gifts and placing them down her blouse. What a funny lady! As you can see from the photographic evidence,  I am NOT making this up. She is no respecter of persons, either. She will take family members gifts, her friends gifts and even a homeless guy's gift. ( If he had one) It doesn't even matter if she likes what you got or not. Beware when she proclaims:" ohh let me see that!" translation: 'ohhh I must have that, I will now place it down my bosom!"  She thinks she's so clever...One of these times, I'll go down there and retrieve my gifts. I ain't afraid of her bosom! 

So here on the one hand we have my crazy aunt commandeering every gift in sight, and on the other you have my 9 year old Ethan declaring: "it's a BOMB!"  Apparently he is a conspiracy theorist. Big boxes, BOMB! Little boxes, BOMB! Flowery, pink gift bags with fluffy pink and purple tissue paper coming out of the top, BOMB! My only question is what would he do if it actually was a bomb? Let's  hope none of them ever are. I think my aunt would be very sorry, as well. I get the impression she would be displeased if her bosom got bombed. I would just say: "meh, at least you weren't eaten by zombies"...

*footnote*                                                                              

              When you come for Christmas this year, rest assured that a bomb squad will be on hand  just in case you do indeed receive a bomb from Santa. But more importantly, if you get any jewelry, Do NOT let her insist on admiring it.  That is her favorite thing to steal.  And you won't get that back...ever...

Zombie Friday S1/ep. 10

As I was searching for a picture of tonight's episode, I came across a truly frightening and disturbing phenomena. A phenomena so horrifying that even I refused to believe it could exist. I'm loathe to even mention it. Assuming you did indeed take notice of the picture, I can only be talking about zombie clowns...(shudder) ...Zombies are downright delightful compared to this bunch.  You will happily invite zombies into your home and offer them refreshment.  But clowns? Clowns are just pure evil and when you cross one with a zombie, you're extra dead...I mean extra extra dead with a side of...dead. This handy dandy survival guide will be of no use to you. Which brings me to tonight's tip:

                 Zombie clown (shudder) tip #1. THERE IS NO TIP! What did I just say? Your survival guide is WORTHLESS! Ok, so maybe I can provide some small helpful hint....acknowledge you're in mortal peril and embrace the idea of your imminent death....there....I said it. 

I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, but at least now you know. You can't say you haven't been warned. If you do come across one, please don't come find me, because I am scared to death of clowns and will just pee my pants, burst into tears and run away. Judge me all you want. It won't change anything and I still won't help you. 

                     *footnote*

                             If anyone out there has in point of fact encountered a zombie clown (shudder) and has lived to tell about it, please feel free to share your story. Maybe you can provide some valuable information that could save hundreds of lives. We'd like to know how you confronted and defeated the zombie clown. (shudder) And don't tell me something stupid like you just threw a big clown shoe or a clown nose at it. I'll be really mad.....but  I'll have to be mad later... after I change my underwear, stop crying, and come out of hiding...

Genuine Teen-Ager

Well, I now officially have 2 teen-agers at my house. Just put me in a home. I don't usually talk about my kids because I said from the start that this is not going to be a mom blog. And I am selfish..this is not about them, this is about me. But I thought just this once, I'd make an exception. Hayley turned 13 today (pictured below) You have no idea how old this makes me feel. Way too depressing. It was also a bittersweet day for me..

My grandfather started making these ribbons (pictured top) when my mother turned 13. She still has hers and so do both her sisters. We as grandchildren were also privileged to sport these badges of honor when we became "genuine teenagers"...I even remember pestering grandpa on several occasions about mine, just in case he might forget to make it.  Of course he didn't. And I LOVE that it's almost all pink!  Sadly, by the time my oldest turned 13, he was not well and then passed away over a year ago. I am rather annoyed he wouldn't live long enough to make sure each one of his great-grandchildren got one...Dang it, grandpa! As you can see, Hayley has to make do with a stupid store bought one that is grossly inadequate...Dang it, grandpa! I feel so betrayed. It's funny how little things like this become some of the greatest treasures. I keep it in a scrapbook and never even really think about it, but it would be 1 of 2 things I would grab if my house was on fire. The other being my autograph from Aidan Quinn. Screw the wedding pictures...


             *footnote*
                         Even though grandpa's gone, I'd like to think he was watching her today and smiling. He would be very proud of her and I know he would say: " I wish I was there so I could make one for you." ...I wish he could too...and hers so totally would've been pink ...just like mine...

Zombie Friday S1/ep.9

This episode is dedicated to a very good friend of mine. "Handsome" Herbert H. Hinckel.* (Name has been changed to protect the guilty) Handsome Herbert is a wonderful man. A kind and generous man. But unfortunately for him, he made a very big mistake today. Poor Herbert.  He is no longer allowed  the protection of the ZDI under the "it's not a good idea to make fun of me" act.  I hope he's taken good notes and followed the survival guide. 

I'm sure you're wondering at this point what he could have possibly done to instigate the revocation of his ZDI protection status. As I stated, he made of fun of me. To be specific, he made fun of my spelling. Bad form, Herbert...bad form. A trusted source, who I believe to be an especially close family member, disclosed a rather humiliating event from my childhood. Bad form, trusted, close family member...bad form! When I was quite young, I participated in a spelling bee. I was very proud of myself and eager to show off my impressive spelling skills. Which I maintain to this day, thank you very much. When it was my turn, I stood up and confidently spelled my word, "VACATION". Piece of cake.I got this in the bag...However, I was overcome with stage fright. I carefully recited "V-A-C-T-I-O-N", breathed a sigh of relief and sat down. I didn't realize I had made a crucial mistake. NOOOOOOO!!!! How did I get that wrong? Everyone knows how to spell vacation! This is NOT happening! But it did, and for 30 years I have been teased and tormented and forced to relive this moment 41,000 times.....sigh...and now Herbert knows. And he is paying the price. Which brings me to tonight's tip:

                  Tip # 12. Never...EVER insult or make fun of the person providing you with valuable lifesaving information you need to survive the zombie apocalypse. It's just bad form. No ZDI for you!

Even though Handsome Herbert has lost the protection, let's wish him well and hope he stays safe. Maybe one day, his privilege will be reinstated. He only needs to make 3 simple payments of $33.33 plus shipping and handling. But he has to act now! Limited time offer. Either that, or just give me chocolate....


                     *footnote*
                           No one knows what Herbert's middle initial H stands for, so don't ask. Personally, I don't think it stands for anything. I also wonder if he's regretting his actions. Not likely. I'm almost positive this won't be the first or last time I will be ridiculed by Mr. Hinckel * or the not- so- trusted -anymore- after- this -family member...

civil war geek

           
                   

        *whatever the opposite of footnote is...prologue, maybe?*
                                I know you're all wondering where I've been and are deeply concerned. I went AWOL. I didn't mean to... Hello? Isn't life supposed to slow down once the kids go back to school? NOOOO! Dag nabbit....anywho, on to tonight's entry...

           I saw the first preview for Steven Spielberg's upcoming film, "Saving Lincoln." Given my unhealthy obsession and fascination with all things Lincoln and the civil war, I wet myself with glee. I am not ashamed to admit this. It looks absolutely phenomenal! I am beyond impressed with Daniel-Day Lewis' portrayal and how they were able to completely transform him. Sally Field also looks   promising as Mary Todd. I did, however, take notice of one major departure from other Lincoln movies. It doesn't appear that he will be fighting vampires or zombies. I wonder why. It is called "Saving" Lincoln in point of fact, so would it not stand to reason that it should be titled "Saving Lincoln from Zombies"? or "Saving Lincoln from Vampires"? Maybe he's fighting weasels this time. If this is indeed the case, I can totally get behind that..."Saving Lincoln from Weasels." But I digress...That story will just have to wait for the sequel...

           I look forward to seeing this and providing a review using the unusual family rating system. Actually, I think I can provide the review right now. Loved it - need to own it. It will be fantastic whether he's fighting weasels or not. Lewis rocks everything he does, so I believe this should be a slight improvement over "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies".  As long as he's not cavorting with prostitutes. 

                     *footnote*
                            I'm posting the link if you'd like to take a gander...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiSAbAuLhqs
           
            

Zombie Friday - S1/ep.8

I've gotten so caught up in this zombie safety course, that I have completely forgotten to address the zombies, themselves. I have a few words I'd like to share with them, so we will be deviating from our usual discussion this evening.

Dear Zombies, 

           You are a frightful lot and we recognize your incredible power. However, I believe your power could be used for good. If I may steal a moment of your valuable time, I'd like to propose a mutually advantageous arrangement. If you won't eat me, any member of the ZDI or the general public at large, I shall provide a list of suitable victims, or volunteers as it were. Not only will you be permitted to eat said volunteers but you will also be encouraged to do so. Here is a list of the top 10 people that by popular vote have been recruited as your first victims, er...I mean...volunteers:

               1. Any and all members of the Kardashian clan. yes, they all count as one person. 

               2. Paris Hilton. No explanation should be needed

               3. Donald Trump. You would be doing the rest of the world a favor, believe me.  

               4. Dog the bounty hunter. I just don't like him. You can have his wife, too

               5. Lindsay Lohan. She needs to be put out of her misery. And we need to be put out of ours.

               6. Kate Gosselin. Just to make sure she can't ever come back to try and do another tv show.

               7. Britney Spears. She's a waste of space. I don't think anyone will even notice.

               8. Republicans. There. I said it.  But I don't think anyone would notice their disappearance, either. And there's plenty of them. They should hold you for awhile.

               9. Jack Nicholson. He creeps me out. Get rid of him.

             10. Carrot Top. He's annoying AND creeps me out. Get rid of him, too.

This should give you a good start, so I now send you out to do my bidding. Let me know when this has been accomplished and I will give you another list. Thank you.

                      *footnote*

                               Ok, Ok, so maybe zombies can't actually be told who to eat. They might be picky eaters.  But it's worth a try. We could always round them up ourselves (The  volunteers, not the zombies) and just hurl them as needed and hope they go for it. If you would like to include someone not listed, I would be happy to add them. If there's anyone on this list you disagree with and would like to see removed, too bad. it's my list. Deal with it. 

        

pet peeve #284 -ACT NOW!!

I despise commercials. I have a zero tolerance policy. And of course every channel shows commercials at the exact same time, so you're forced to sit through them. On several occasions, I was subjected to so many commercials that I forgot what show I was attempting  to watch. The operative word here being 'attempt'  because I swear for every 5 minutes of program you actually get to see, they have to make up for it with at least an hour and a half of commercials. America! what a great country this is! We can put a man on the moon, we can invent  iphones, ipads, ipods, and ican't-live-without-these-gadgets. We can build skyscrapers in a week  but we can't sit down to watch a half hour sitcom without it being cut down to 6 1/2  minutes? Seriously? 

Here is my list of some of the worst offenders:

                     1. Don't tell me to run right out and buy the 2026 model Lexus for only $5 million down and $600 gazillion a month with 39% percent financing. I was going to pick one up anyway with the money that fell out in the dryer today. What a steal!

                    2. DON'T YELL AT ME! Just because you scream your phone number at me over and over, doesn't mean I want any part of what you're selling. Go away.

                   3. Do I suffer from anything embarrassing? Have I tried everything and nothing works? Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Besides I don't want to experience that minor side effect of death. Everything causes loss of vision or death. I'll deal.

                 4. Don't look so happy eating your 2 calorie yogurt and high fiber cereal. No one looks that happy eating yogurt or cereal...ever...it just makes me want to reach into my tv set and slap the shit out of you. 

                 5. And last but not least, INFOMERCIALS!! They are the evil of this world. No, I don't want something to make a cupcake the size of my head. No, I don't need a knife that will cut through my plumbing. No, I don't want to set it and forget it, Ron Popeil! Of course they're all only 13 easy payments of  $13.33 plus $79.95 and a kidney for shipping. I'm sure I'll have plenty  of money leftover after I visit my local Lexus dealer. 

                *footnote*
                                   As for this sham-wow guy. No I don't love his nuts and I want to slap chop his ass. But I can't right now. I have to go see if there is a limited time only offer I'm missing. I'm sure it's something I desperately need and with luck they'll send me another one absolutely free!...I just need to pay separate shipping and handling....and give them my other kidney.

Zombie Friday S1/ep. 7- Emancipate this!

Sigh...well, that was disappointing. 

As promised, I will be reviewing "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" for tonight's episode. According to the unusual family rating system, this has earned a mediocre it-was-ok-but-never-need-to-see-it-again. And I had such high hopes. At least it wasn't painful or sucked 2 hours of my life away, so in that respect it could've been worse.  But still. it's zombies. 

So here are 3 things I learned from this movie:

                 1. Apparently Lincoln cavorted with prostitutes. Who, in point of fact, make bad-ass zombie killers. Interesting. I found it particularly amusing when he said, and I quote "Don't tell Mary where I am going."  You think? I snorted. But don't ask me why he cavorted with prostitutes in the first place. They sort of glazed over that part. 

                 2. In this story, zombies are referred to as "Demented Cannibals" and "Unfortunates". You think ? Again, I snorted. And here I thought zombies were blessed. Not so. it's unfortunate to be a zombie. Who knew?

                3. It is practically painless when you are skewered by a zombie. The most the victims ever uttered was: "Ow"...Well, more like "Ow?" (i.e. this is supposed to be hurting me, right? Dang, my acting is phenomenal!) This kinda makes me not so afraid anymore. 

Warning: many zombies lost their heads during the making of this film. These parts were awesome! Especially when Lincoln shouts "Emancipate this!!" while severing the heads. Perfection! I have to say, this is what made it non-soul sucking. Emancipate this! HAHAHAHA!! Oh Lincoln, you crack me up! Another part I enjoyed was old Abe meeting a young Teddy Roosevelt. He is also a bad ass zombie killer. This now makes 2 new additions to the ZDI- prostitutes and Roosevelt. I am invincible. I bet you didn't realize that if it weren't for zombies, Roosevelt never would've been inspired with his most famous line, "Walk softly and carry a big stick". Oh wait. Lincoln said that. Teddy stole it.  At any rate, it's good advice. we will include this as:

            Tip #10:  Walk softly and carry a big stick. 
            Tip #11.  Don't tell Mary you've been cavorting with prostitutes and then make it worse by enlisting their help. This will just mean  trouble for you. 

I hope you found this review informative as well as entertaining. Carefully consider it and decide if you think this movie is for you. Or you can just leave it to me. "I watch bad movies so you don't have to!" That's my motto! 

           *footnote*
                     One final thought, this movie did provide the best quote...EVER! As part of his Gettysburg address, Lincoln includes one final thought: "With charity for none and malice for all!" So what if he meant it for zombies...It so beautifully applies to everyone. Because I hate people.