childhood toys.

                    I want to be a kid again. I loved being a kid. This responsible grown up thing has been fun, but I'd like to go home now. I want to go home to my toys. I had great toys - barbies and strawberry shortcake, cabbage patch kids and dollhouses. These are 2 of my  favorite childhood toys...and 2 of my oldest. No, I'm not going to tell you exactly how old. Just trust me when I say they're old, but thanks to my mother they are now new and improved! They look better than I do! She lovingly and painstakingly took them apart, washed them, replaced their parts and restitched them. The doll I got a few years ago and the puppy just this last christmas. I had actually forgotten all about him  until I opened him up. I am fully aware that he is pink and purple and should technically be a she. But he is not. Even though he is wearing a big pink bow.( you can't see it in the picture)  He's just in touch with his feminine side. He should be on "Project Runway" or "Queer eye for the straight dog" or something. And he has no name. Poor pink and purple puppy with no name. My doll never got a name either. If you have any suggestions, I'll be glad to hear them. 

                

             *footnote*

                     Now before you start sending me hate mail because I don't name my dolls and animals, I should tell you that I did name another doll I had. And it was a perfectly lovely name. Ginger Ale. Isn't that nice?

                    

I'm not dead yet!

    No, I'm not dead yet! So yes, I'm still here. I realize you've been alarmed by my absence. Let me start off by telling you what  DIDN'T happen to me.

             1. I am not dead in a ditch. I don't know where this ditch is or why my mother always thinks I'm going to end up dead in one..I would kinda like to know where it is just so I can avoid it.
             2. I was not kidnapped by aliens. That's just stupid. Kidnapped by zombies, yes....but not aliens. 

             3. I was not killed in the battles of Gettysburg or Antietam. I've been watching the Ken Burns Civil War series and the PBS American Experience "A House Divided". So this was a real possibility. I didn't get shot and no limbs were lost. What a relief!

          4. I didn't go down with the Titanic. Along with the civil war, I am fascinated by Titanic lore. I've been watching documentaries and reading up, so I know how it ends. Crisis averted! I didn't get on the ship....

          Now that you know what hasn't happened to me, I will tell you what I have been busy doing. I've been getting my ass handed to me by a 10 year old henchman. Why he likes beating me up, I don't know.  I've been dealing with an emotional hormonal basket case of a 13 year old. The joy. I've been exchanging snarky comments with a 15 year old. Now that's always fun! And of course there's doctors and dentists, running here, driving there. And just all around exuding awesomeness....it's what I do....

                    *footnote*
                           ok, I lied. I've actually been busy exuding my indifference. You may recall my earlier entry. I've been lying around the couch watching tv. I do glance over at my laptop every so often and go: "You really need to get on there and update the blog"....and then I go:..."meh...whatever." ....I'm still awesome, though. I'd never lie about that....

the vegas un-birthday party

           So I'm fixin' to turn 40 here in just a couple of months and I am NOT happy about it. To combat this dreadful event, I came up with a brilliant  fool-proof plan. "I know! I'm going to plan a  girls week end get away to fabulous las vegas for an un-birthday party to NOT celebrate my birthday!" I said to myself. What could possibly go wrong? I will tell you...

               1. My aunt became a big taker over person and decided she must stake her claim in the un-birthday week end as well. Never mind the fact that her birthday was in December. She would not be denied her share of the attention. So being the kind, gracious and wonderful niece I am, I warmly and enthusiastically offered  her a percentage of my festivities. She was most grateful and is now humbly indebted to me....forever...

              2. My dad became a big invited himself person. This was intended as a GIRLS week end get away. I guess He didn't want to be left home alone and seeing as he did play a minor role in my birthday, and being the kind, gracious and wonderful daughter I am, I warmly and enthusiastically invited him to join us. He was most grateful and is now humbly indebted to me....forever...

           3. Unbeknownst to me, planning a big (family) week end get away to fabulous las vegas for an un-birthday party to NOT celebrate (our) birthdays is a major undertaking. It requires months of research and development and countless hours of hard work.Sending Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon took less time (space reference) The great wall of china was conceived and constructed with far less discussion and far fewer people involved. In short, it will take a miracle to get this thing off the ground......much like the very first space shuttle (another space reference) 

                                 *footnote*
                                       No need for alarm. As of right now, the plans for the big week end get away seem to be coming along nicely. I know you were worried for me. And if all goes well, we should be attending the always stellar "thunder from down under". This will make all the months of careful and meticulous work worth it. ....and we're going to have fun, damn it! 

super-something

          Ok, Something's up. I'm getting the sense that it's something big, too. What is it? You can't fool me. I was at the store this past week and noticed beer specials and cakes in the shape of footballs. This can only mean one thing - a sporting event of some kind. I have no idea what, but it has to be a super something. No matter. I won't be watching it anyway. I despise football. I despise all sports. ok, that's not true. I like baseball. And I love baseball players. But that's another story for another day. Football is stupid. Football fans are even stupider. I was subjected to repeated play by plays every 5 seconds on facebook.... I DON'T CARE!! It's men wearing weird uniforms and funny helmets running back and forth while kicking a ball. The end. ohhhh exciting!!!....NOT! I'll never understand it.....stupid football..


                              *footnote*
                                      I did find this funny, though. It's superbowl barbie! Touchdown! Looks like she's got football fever...

                                
                               

Driving in Utah

               I hate people and I hate driving. I hate people driving. And I really hate people driving here in Utah. They've all lost their minds....and I want to run every damn last one of them over so I can have the roads to myself. I've pretty much lived in my car this past week, so I've had more than my fill of these lunatics. 
                     I'm going to share the rules of road. Apparently, we have a different set. You'll need to know them when you move here and are forced to drive amongst us. I apologize in advance and assure you I am NOT, I repeat....NOT one of the aforementioned lunatics.

                 1. When you see someone trying to move over in to your lane, be sure to speed up to make it impossible for them to do so. You will force them to come to a complete stop right in the middle of their lane and patiently wait. How dare they try to get  to the exit they need! This is not your problem....

                 2. Yellow never EVER means slow down....ever. It is wrong of you to think otherwise. 
                  
                 3. Red never EVER means stop....ever...proceed with all haste. So what if they have a green light...again..not your problem.

               4. All texting and talking on cell phones MUST occur while you are driving. This will enable you to ignore all traffic signs, stop lights and people in other cars.

               5. Make sure you remain at a steady 20 mph at all times. Even if the speed limit is 45. There are people behind you that may or may not have somewhere to be and may or may not be in a hurry....No matter...Let them be late and curse you. Remember? Not your problem. 

              6. When someone cuts you off, make obscene finger gestures at them and show them your gun. We love our guns here in the beehive state and this will allow us the perfect occasion to show them to you! 

                 If you obey these 6 rules, we're going to get along just fine and you won't be alarmed when I run the red light while texting and brandishing weapons. It's what we do. Welcome to Utah...now get the hell out of my way. 


                               
                               *footnote*
                                        This photo of Cruella is exactly what I look like when I'm driving. And I'm not kidding. My hair turns black and white and my eyes turn crazy red/orange. It's not pretty.