Our family has a unique rating system for movies. No 2 thumbs up and we don't use stars. Our system goes as follows:
1. Loved it - need to own it
2. I liked it - could see it again, but don't need to own it
3. It was ok - don't need to see it again, but it wasn't painful
4. It was horrid and painful -2 hours I'll never get back. I never want to see
this movie ever again. I wish this movie had never been made.
Now that you're familiar with our rating system, I will offer some examples of the movies on my list:
1. Loved it and own it - ok, this is tricky because every Johnny Depp movie ever made belongs in this category. For our purposes here, I will choose "Pirates 4 - On Stranger Tides."
2. I liked it well enough- the newest Spider-Man. I don't need to own it, but seeing as I live with super-hero nuts, I will have no choice. I will have to see it again.
3. It was merely adequate- all of the "Lord of the Rings" movies. Now before all you hobbit lovers out there start sending me hate mail, they weren't painful to sit through, but I don't feel the need to watch them again. This is only because I don't have 6 weeks to devote to each one. It takes me on average about 6 months to view the entire trilogy.
4. 2 hours of my life I'll never get back. Another tricky one, because I've lost count of how many gosh-awful movies I've seen. But again, for our purposes here, I will choose "Clockwork Orange". I watched this just recently for the first time and I can't get it out of my head. it was bad...bad, bad, bad, bad.....BAD. So bad...and that's all I have to say about that.
So there you have it. The next time you're catching a flick, bear this handy-dandy rating system in mind and please feel free to share your list. I'd love to know what movies you own and what movies required extensive therapy and heavy doses of medication to forget what you witnessed. Thank you.
*footnote*
I'm excited to implement the rating system when I review "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" for tomorrow's episode. Although, I don't for see this coming in at anything less than a need-to-own. Stay tuned to find out...
First of all, let me apologize for my prolonged absence. No, I wasn't kidnapped by zombies...No, I wasn't eaten by zombies...and no I haven't become a zombie. I assure you I am alive and well. Although I was granted the wonderful opportunity of spending the majority of this past week end at Wal-mart and I'm almost positive I saw several hundred there. They were carefully disguised as the employees. I saw right through it.
Anyway, now that the kids have started back to school and I've procured every folder, notebook, pen, pencil and backpack on the face of the planet, I am hoping to resume my valuable and insightful zombie commentaries. As you can see from tonight's photo, I was thrilled to discover "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" while I was flipping through the recently added movies on Netflix. Whoo-hoo! Sadly, due to the fact that I was in Wal-mart hell observing zombies carefully disguised as employees, I have been unable to view the film as of yet. Not to worry...I will watch it and provide a review for this Friday's episode. I'm expecting academy-award winning performances and a best picture nomination.
*footnote*
It turns out my week end spent at Wal-mart wasn't all bad. I acquired new and frequently overlooked information:
tip #9 - be weary of zombies carefully disguised as Wal-mart employees.
This should have been blatantly obvious and I have no idea how I missed it. Those shifty zombies...they're good...damn good....
My family is crazy. I think I've mentioned this before. Due to this concentration of crazy, we tend to utter some pretty amusing phrases. Anything you say can and will be held against you. And it will be recorded for all eternity. This is where the refrigerator comes in to play. As soon as someone says something worth remembering, family members quickly respond with: "refrigerator quote!" The offending family member hangs his/her head in shame, struck with the horrifying realization that they just said something stupid. Occasionally, if you're lucky, you'll make the fridge if you say something really funny... but it's rare. We're not that nice. We'd rather nail you for your stupidity.
Here are some of my personal favorites. You'll notice a recurring theme. Dad's food obsession and my sisters' just plain zany proclamations...
Dad-
1. " I can't leave this salad alone!"
2. " It seems as I get older I find I have this love affair with pancakes. I can't seem to get enough."
3. "What a keen dessert!"
4. "I'm fond of these noodles!"
5. " Don't let that gravy go too far!"
Corinne-
1. "We got caught in a school of emo's!"
2. " My type has metal in his face."
3. "Rugged tree men...I like those guys."
4. " I don't want to go to church on Christmas."
5. " I swear, one night that scarecrow is going to come alive and murder me."
Oh my crazy family! ...What will they come up with next?
*footnote*
My all time favorite quote ever is actually from my mother:.."We may be dysfunctional, but we eat well!" ...truer words were never spoken...
Fact or Fiction?
Ok, let's go over what we DO know about zombies:
Fact- zombies are ugly
Fact- zombies are scary
Fact- zombies want to eat you...(well, duh)
Fact- zombies smell really really bad
One other little known fact that I neglected to mention is that zombies don't like being poked with sticks. I found this out the hard way. Don't do it. So let's get in to myths.
Myth- zombies are easily distracted. Ya, for all of about 2 seconds. Don't rely on this as your primary means of escaping because it's just as effective as poking them with sticks.
Myth- zombies can't get through doors, fences, windows, etc... Yes, they can.
Myth- zombies can smell fear so stay calm. Whatever. Zombies have no sense of smell so panic all you want. Just remember to run away as fast as you can while you're panicking.
Myth- zombies are solitary creatures. NO! They always hunt in packs. There's never just one. If there was only ever one at a time, we wouldn't be having this discussion. Assume there's at least 3 or 4. Or 100.
And finally -zombies can't see in the dark, so you're safe at night. It doesn't matter. They will still find you. Especially when you're poking them with sticks. That tends to alert them to your present whereabouts.
I hope this clears up any confusion there might have been regarding what's fact and what's fiction. I haven't decided what to talk about next week, but I assure you it will be critical information you won't want to miss.
*footnote*
I will be doing a Q and A for the season finale and would love to hear your questions, so if there's anything I left out or you just want further information on a particular topic , this will be a good opportunity for you. There will also be a review of everything we've covered. There may or may not be a quiz. So you may or may not want to study. You'll need a no.2 pencil and clean underwear...just sayin'...
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I live with 3 boys...a 14, 9 and 40 year old. This means I know everything I never wanted to know about superheroes. And I mean everything. Superman, Batman, Spider-man, Aqua-man, Iron man, Big man, Little man, Disease Man and every man in between. I have been dragged to every movie, shown every comic book and bought every costume ever made. I have listened to every life story of every character ever created. There are years I can't get back spent in superhero bondage. You don't believe me. go ahead. ask me anything. I dare you. Now, before you start sending me hate mail, let me add that I actually do like them. For instance, Thor. Chris Hemsworth? A stunning man. Iron Man. Robert Downey, Jr? Also stunning. Captain America. Chris Evans. Likewise. See? I appreciate the beauty of superheroes. But seriously, there's only so much I can absorb. There are have been times sitting around the dinner table, when I just wanted to blurt out everything I know about barbies, strawberry shortcake, and cabbage patch kids. I get blank stares. Apparently, no one cares about my barbie corvette. Which is really sad because it was bitchin'. Oh well. I guess I am destined to spend eternity hearing about Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne. Also known as...?
*footnote*
I need a good super hero name for my super power. Able to provide sarcasm in a single bound! Maybe a cape and a mask. I can't risk going out as myself. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. And if I pick yours, you'll win free sarcasm for a year! That's a savings of over $20! Good luck!
Please allow me to apologize for the cancellation of "Zombie Friday episode 4." We were pre -empted by the Olympics. Apparently everyone's favorite event is coed naked underwater basket weaving. You'll be pleased to know the Dutch took home the gold. I sincerely hope no one was eaten because they missed out on important life saving information I failed to provide. Not my fault. Take it up with the basket weaving Dutch folk. But I digress...shall we continue?
You are remaining vigilant. You have a clean supply of underwear. You have appointed a bad ass commander. You have acquired efficient weaponry. You're remembering to take as much as you can when you can. You're not using the same arrows to hunt for food. And most critical to your survival -you have a safe and secure place to hole up. I know what you're saying. "What else could there possibly be? I can go out into the world and fight zombies now, right?"
WRONG!!! Despite the fact that you have been cautious, you wondered off alone and got yourself into a whole heap of trouble. That's right...you got yourself eaten! What were you thinking?
#8. Never, EVER go off by yourself.
I do realize that this tip is contingent on you NOT being the only person left alive. If you are well, I don't know what to tell you... It's better if we assume you have hooked up with a group. Or at least a dog. So, if you have to go to the bathroom...take your buddy. If you hear something and want to investigate... take your buddy...If you need to hunt...take your buddy. Yes, I also realize that's what your ZDI is for, but they can't be everywhere. There will be times when you find yourself alone, so keep your buddy close.
Next week we'll be talking about the zombies strengths and weaknesses. This will give you an advantage and a better understanding of what they do. You won't want to miss it, so stay with your buddy and try not to get eaten.
*footnote*
If anyone needs a buddy, I will be happy to volunteer. Just submit a written request by midnight tonight. thank you.
We went to see "Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter" A few nights ago. I have to say, it was actually pretty good. There's something strangely appealing about watching Lincoln kick some serious vampire butt. It's interesting that we've never read about this in any of the history books, though. He must have wanted to keep it hush hush. I doubt Mary would have approved.
Anyway, here are 3 things I learned from this movie:
1. He wields an axe like no body's business. Seriously. In fact, he wields an axe so well, I'm thinking of recruiting him for my ZDI.
2. The confederate army did not consist of any actual confederate soldiers. They were all vampires. And they could become invisible. Who knew? FYI - when the south seceded from the union, I think they were known as the Confederate Vampire States of America. This would explain everything.
3. And most importantly, I was shocked and dismayed to discover that vampires DON'T SPARKLE!! That's right...they don't! Not a one...I had no idea! Edward Cullen sparkles...he sparkles a lot. Well in all fairness, these vampires make Edward Cullen look like the count from Sesame Street. This can only mean that sparkles aren't a selling point.
All in all, an acceptable film and I enjoyed it.
*footnote*
The only thing that could have possibly improved this movie in any way would be the addition of zombies. "Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Zombie Hunter". No, wait! Zombie vampires! I smell a sequel...
Welcome to Zombie Friday, episode 3. Tonight we will be talking about basic survival skills and essential supplies.
You are remaining cautious and vigilant. Nicely done. You are maintaining a plentiful supply of clean underwear. Good form. You have acquired a hunky bad ass commander. Fabulous. You are becoming skilled with your bow and arrow and have taken out dozens of zombies at this point. Good job! But you're not done yet. Now that you've beaten back the zombie horde and are safe for the moment, it's time to think about food and shelter.
#5. Take as much as you can, when you can.
You don't when or where you'll be able to resupply. Your most basic provisions must include a tent, sleeping bag, matches or some other means of starting a fire, and a fresh water source. The bow and arrow will also serve as your means to hunt wildlife for food. Which reminds me:
#6. Don't use the same arrow you've just killed a zombie with.
Zombie blood and guts will infect your dinner. This is bad, so don't do it. This falls under a basic survival skill. We will continue our discussion next week, because right now I am exhausted from eradicating zombies all day. I'm retreating to my tent and crawling into my sleeping bag as my hunky bad ass commander stands guard. Good night.
*footnote*
I'm assuming you've found a safe place out in the middle of nowhere to hide. You may refer to the photo I posted as an idea of what to look for when locating the ideal spot. The red lawn chair is optional.
