7 stages of moose

I have no idea how or why it started, but years ago my sisters thought it would be hilarious to give me the nickname of "Moose." It's taken me a long time to work through how I feel about it. Not unlike the 7 stages of grief:
   1. Shock/disbelief - " I can't believe they're calling me Moose...I'm shocked."
   2. Denial -"I am not Moose! No way are they calling me that!"
   3. Bargaining - "I promise to be nice to you if you'll just please stop calling me Moose!"
   4. Guilt - "what did I do to deserve this? Do I look like a moose? maybe it's because I smell   like one. Am I huge? it's my fault...I just know it is!"
   5. Anger - "STOP STOP STOP! I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME MOOSE!"
   6. Depression - " I don't even want to see anybody anymore. They'll just keep calling me Moose and it hurts my feelings. I'm so depressed..."
   7. And finally...acceptance...

As you can see from the photographic evidence, I have come to the final stage of the process...acceptance. Not only have I come to accept it, I have embraced it. This is my collection of stuffed moose I keep on my bed. I love them. Especially the big guy, Martin the Moose. Marty, for short...

My Aunt had given this to my grandmother and I inherited it when my mother was going through her things while cleaning out my grandparent's house. He's very cute and I obviously know why I got him, but it wasn't until I found out how much grandma loved him, that I appreciated him even more. I LOVE that she loved it and that he's mine now. And I think of her every day as I carefully place him between the pillows after I make my bed.

 

*footnote*

I also have 2 moose Christmas ornaments, a pair of moose earrings and a shirt from Jackson Hole, Wyoming with a moose on it... I wear it with pride.

A formidable fruit loop...

I come from a long line of strong willed women. Stubborn, opinionated and feisty, we refuse to be told what to do and we will not tolerate anyone telling us no. Dad often says he pities the poor person who dares get in our way. He's right.. We are, in a word, formidable. This in and of itself would be more than enough to scare anybody off, but I also happen to come from a long line of crazy folk.Completely mental. I call myself a formidable fruit loop. The best of both sides of my family. What does this mean to you? This basically means...don't mess with me...ever. It's a lethal combination.

*footnote*
       I subscribe to the theory that it is better to be feared than respected. Be afraid...be very afraid.

Zombie Friday. S1/ep.2

Welcome back to Zombie Friday. I'm happy to see everyone has survived the week by remaining vigilant and alert. Nicely done! Now that we've exercised caution and gone over the importance of clean underwear, we are ready to move on to defense.

Before we get into actual defense techniques and strategies, you may want to consider assembling a Zombie Defense Initiative or ZDI, for short. This team is a critical first line of defense. They are responsible for your safety and to respond to any possible threats. As you can see from the above photo, I have appointed Rick from "the walking dead" as chief ZDI operating commander. Because, well...he's a bad ass. Procure yourself a bad ass immediately. Now let's take a moment and review what we have so far:

   1. Caution and vigilance
   2. Maintain a plentiful supply of clean underwear
   3. Procure a strong defense team with a bad ass commander

So should we talk about weaponry? Absolutely. Let me first stress that guns should only be used as a final desperate measure. The sound of a single gun shot will carry and can attract zombies from quite a fair distance off. This is bad. Don't do it.  Knives are a good choice, but I cannot recommend highly enough the practical and extremely efficient bow and arrow. Second only to your ZDI, the bow and arrow will give you that deadly edge critical to your survival. The only drawback is running out of arrows, so make sure you collect them out of the zombie bodies before moving on. Use caution, as you do not want to expose any part of your person to the blood and guts.This is also bad. Don't do it. Better still is to have your bad ass commander do it. Yes, definitely the way to go. To sum up, the tip of the week is:

  4. practical and efficient weaponry

There you have it. I shall now send you back out into this crazy scary zombie infested world armed with vigilance, caution, appropriate weaponry, and the ZDI...and clean underwear. For another week anyway. In episode 3, we will be discussing basic survival skills and essential supplies. You won't want to miss it! Stay safe my friends.


*footnote*
       When considering a bad ass operating commander, it is imperative that he also rank at least a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10 on the hunk-o-meter. He has to be of maximum hotness. avoid Weird Al Yankovic or Gene Hackman types. These will be of no use to you. And definitely no smarmy types like Jon Gosselin or Kody Brown. You may as well just hurl yourself into a zombies direct path. I can't wait to hear who you have all chosen!

The gong calling

Let's face it...church can be boring. Those 3 hours on Sunday feel like 3 years. But I have a few ideas that will make church a delightful and downright pleasurable experience!
 1. snack time - We let the kids have them, why not us? I say we open up a snack bar where      you can stop and grab something before you head on in to the meeting. This would require sunday school to let out about a half hour early. Another plus.
 2. drink holders installed next to the hymn books. you need someplace to put your coke, right?
 3. Someone to walk up and down the aisles with cotton candy just like they do at a ballgame. (Your hands were full when you left the snack bar.)
 4. the benches rigged with electrical currents. For those people sitting in front of you who start to snore or won't take their screaming children out. A simple press of a button and it shocks them. Problem solved...

Now for the most important improvement. The addition of the gong. Why churches haven't caught on to this, I'll never know. Trust me, people will love you for it. The idea is very simple. If you don't like the talk, GOOONNGG!! They have to leave. The gong should be used based on the following criteria:
  - "My talk today is on...the dictionary defines"... GONG!
  - "In Genesis chapter 4, we read"...GONG!
  - "I told myself when I got up here I wouldn't cry"...GONG!
  - "I want to share an experience I had this past"...GONG!
You get the picture. If they insist on continuing with their talk, there's a trap door underneath. Flip a switch and they're out of there! Or just have the organist start playing...Academy Award Style! Just imagine...you could be home before you're even halfway through your hot dog! It's brilliant...In fact, I'm going to speak to my bishop about accepting the gong calling straight away. He won't say no...

*footnote*
       If you feel like this is the calling for you, speak to your bishop, priest, pastor or rabbi TODAY! Let me know how it works out for you.
 

Battle of Midway

I've started walking again every night in a vain and futile attempt to do something about  my burgeoning behind. it's so depressing. I refer to it as 'aircraft carrier' butt. You could land F-16's on my ass. It's a heli-pad. I regrettably let this little tid-bit slip recently when I was over at my parents house. I can't even recall now how the subject came up, but various family members found it amusing. The following conversation ensued:

Me: "I have aircraft carrier butt...seriously, you could land planes on my ass. It has it's own gravitational pull!"
Dad:  "So it was you who saved the battle of Midway! Chantal's butt to the rescue!"
Me  : "Exactly! If it wasn't for me, WWII would have turned out very differently!"

Thanks, Dad...way to defend my rear end. My aunt wasn't much better. She laughed at me and immediately pulled out her phone to tell anyone she could. Wow. You'd think my family would have my back...instead, they had my butt.

* footnote*
             You will notice I did not include a photo with tonight's entry, because I refuse to show you photographic evidence. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

zombie friday

As you may recall from the premier episode of my blog, I stated that I have an unhealthy obsession with zombies. You will be excited to learn that I will be featuring a weekly segment entitled  "Zombie Friday". We will be exploring the fascinating and wondrous world of the zombie. Let's get started...

According to Wikipedia, the word "zombie" comes from the Haitian Creole, "zonbi" or the African "Nzumbe". If you are a regular viewer of "The Walking Dead" ( and you should be) they are referred to as "walkers". But no matter what you like to call them, zombies are real. This brings me to the tip of the week.

      #1. You can't ever be too cautious around zombies...vigilance, my friends

You may be thinking, "Whatever...zombies are slow and stupid. No threat whatsoever." This is so wrong. Change your thinking. Zombies are a very real threat and they are everywhere! My Aunt travels quite regularly and I am always concerned for her safety. She has encountered Floridian zombies and Floridian zombie alligators. In Arizona, it was  the zombie cactus. She was in constant peril. Due to the fact that she follows rule #1, she has always returned unharmed.

We will continue next week with a discussion on defense. Unfortunately, for now, just be careful. Don't be a hero.

* footnote*
         Before we can continue with next weeks most important discussion of defense strategies, I have been alerted to a most desperate situation. I can no longer confirm with any degree of certainty, that my Aunt remains unharmed. she no longer has a supply of clean underwear.

          #2.  Friends, please keep a substantial supply of clean underwear while you are maintaining zombie vigilance. This is the last thing you want to worry about and could prove to be a costly mistake.

I like bath gel

The title of this entry is misleading. I've led you to believe I like bath gel. No, no, no...I do not like bath gel. I REALLY like bath gel. Specifically, Bath & Body Works bath gel. Don't let anyone try to tell you that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. The annual Bath & Body Works 75% off sale is. I buy as many I as I can get away with. Food storage? No, not really. Emergency supply of water? Not so much. First aid kit? maybe. I have no idea. Enough bath gel to meet the needs of my entire neighborhood during the zombie apocalypse? Covered. I know where my priorities are. The only problem is I think I need more.

* footnote*
          In the event of the zombie apocalypse, I'm counting on my neighbors to provide the emergency supply of water. I can't be expected to do everything.

pet peeve # 284 -stupid made for tv movies with the worst movie titles....EVER!

 

I have no patience for stupid Hallmark/Lifetime made for TV movies. In fact, they make me violent. Especially stupid Hallmark/Lifetime made for TV movie titles. I came across this Shannon Doherty one recently when I was flipping through movies at a Redbox. "Growing The Big One"...tag line- "love grows in funny places". This is wrong on so many levels. It sounds like a really bad porn or a silly 6th grade sex ed video. Either way, no thanks, Shannon...keep the big one to yourself. It also reminded me of another stupid title."Mother, may I sleep with danger?" Yes, Tori, you may. In fact, not only do I invite you to sleep with something dangerous but I encourage it! Maybe a bear? If she had slept with a bear, perhaps we would have been spared "Tori and Dean - Home sweet whatever it is." This has given me a fantastic idea. I'm going to call Tori right now and see if she would be interested in a reboot. "Mother, May I Sleep With A Bear? Now tell me...who wouldn't pay to see that?

* Footnote *

          I think stupid made for TV movies is where 90210 stars careers go to die. The coincidence here is not lost on me.

you knew this was coming......

Johnny Depp...How do I love thee? let me count the ways...You may have read or heard  in the news that he recently separated from his longtime girlfriend of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis. I am so OK with this. One magazine headline read, "Johnny and his new woman". Well, in case you're wondering, I am the new woman. He totally dumped her for me. I just forgot to tell him.  

*footnote*
        For my Aunt's benefit, I have adhered to "appropriate dot protocol." If I could draw your attention to the dots following "Depp" and "ways" there are precisely 3, which apparently is the proper number. Not 2, not 4...3. I apologized profusely for my error that occurred in yesterday's entry and promised I would  immediately file that away under "don't care"...........

The magic that is me...Everything you ever wanted to know....and everything you didn't...

I quote Austin Powers..."Allow myself to introduce....myself "


   I actually hate Austin Powers, but this line proved useful. As you have so astutely observed from the title, you will be discovering the wonderous magic that is me...My likes and dislikes, my pet peeves, my interests and anything that just strikes me at the moment....basically, what makes me tick.....I will also be sharing valuable zombie insights and "tips of the day". You will quickly learn that I have an unhealthy obsession with zombies. Other areas that will feature prominently are Johnny depp, Titanic trivia and facts, ANYTHING civil war related and all matters that will require the use of sarcasm and snarkiness....which basically means..everything....rest assured I will fill your recommended daily allowance of sarcasm and indifference....because..I don't care...

* footnote *
      this in NO WAY will be another cutesy mom blog....in fact, I am anti-mom blogs...this is all about me. yes, I am selfish..deal with it..please..and thank you!