Driving in Utah

               I hate people and I hate driving. I hate people driving. And I really hate people driving here in Utah. They've all lost their minds....and I want to run every damn last one of them over so I can have the roads to myself. I've pretty much lived in my car this past week, so I've had more than my fill of these lunatics. 
                     I'm going to share the rules of road. Apparently, we have a different set. You'll need to know them when you move here and are forced to drive amongst us. I apologize in advance and assure you I am NOT, I repeat....NOT one of the aforementioned lunatics.

                 1. When you see someone trying to move over in to your lane, be sure to speed up to make it impossible for them to do so. You will force them to come to a complete stop right in the middle of their lane and patiently wait. How dare they try to get  to the exit they need! This is not your problem....

                 2. Yellow never EVER means slow down....ever. It is wrong of you to think otherwise. 
                  
                 3. Red never EVER means stop....ever...proceed with all haste. So what if they have a green light...again..not your problem.

               4. All texting and talking on cell phones MUST occur while you are driving. This will enable you to ignore all traffic signs, stop lights and people in other cars.

               5. Make sure you remain at a steady 20 mph at all times. Even if the speed limit is 45. There are people behind you that may or may not have somewhere to be and may or may not be in a hurry....No matter...Let them be late and curse you. Remember? Not your problem. 

              6. When someone cuts you off, make obscene finger gestures at them and show them your gun. We love our guns here in the beehive state and this will allow us the perfect occasion to show them to you! 

                 If you obey these 6 rules, we're going to get along just fine and you won't be alarmed when I run the red light while texting and brandishing weapons. It's what we do. Welcome to Utah...now get the hell out of my way. 


                               
                               *footnote*
                                        This photo of Cruella is exactly what I look like when I'm driving. And I'm not kidding. My hair turns black and white and my eyes turn crazy red/orange. It's not pretty.