to snorkel or not to snorkel.....

                Wow, wow,wow....crazy stupid past couple of weeks, but it's been fun. I had a lovely visit with my aunt and a friend of ours who came up from Florida. We've actually been friends on facebook for quite some time, so it was great to finally meet in person. 
               Speaking of Florida, I mentioned that I'd never been and would love to go. Do the whole Florida thing. Epcot, Disneyworld and the beach. If you're familiar at all with the geography of Utah, you will probably realize that we have no beaches. Ok, we have like, one, but it doesn't count. I love the ocean, so it was suggested that I go snorkeling. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! no. Yes, I love the beach. Yes, I love the ocean, but it doesn't mean I want to go swimming with fishies and other marine life. Now before you send me hate mail telling me I'm closed minded and listing all the reasons why I should try it, let me explain what will happen to me if i do:
          1. There are fish. Millions of fish. They will seek me out, surround me and look at me weird. Then they will touch me.
          2. There are sting rays. These will also seek me out and then sting me. I'd like to avoid this if at all possible.
          3. There are jellyfish. Never mind the millions of fish touching me and sting rays stinging me. The jellyfish will spell my doom. 
          4. There are sharks. After the fish touch me, the sting rays sting me   and the jelly fish have left me for dead, the sharks will come. They will smell my suffering and finish me off. You think I'm kidding.  
          5. There is seaweed. With the last ounce of strength I have, I attempt to pull myself to safety. This is when rogue seaweed attacks me and chokes me. It wraps around my neck and there you have it. I become fish food. At least at this point I won't care that they're touching me. 

           Several weeks later, I wash up on the beach and the horrid Floridian zombies eat me for breakfast. This is all true. And this is why I'll refrain from snorkeling, thank you very much. Auntie dared to think I may... perhaps....might possibly have fun engaging in this activity...Did she not read the list? And don't even utter the phrase, "alligator farm"....I'd rather take my chances with jellyfish and rogue seaweed...


                    *footnote*
                          You know that part in "Finding Nemo" where Dori and Marlin meet up with that scary-ass fish with those big scary-ass teeth and they barely escape with their little fishie lives? Ya, there's one of those, too....and it wants me.....

poster child for indifference

                         I'm on a civil war kick right now. Well, more like still on a civil war kick. I adore the Ken Burns series and I can't stop watching it. And I've decided George McClellan is my hero. He embodies the very idea of indifference, and I have to admit, it delights me. I don't know how much you know about Mr. General McClellan but during the first year of the war, when it came time to fight, he said...and I quote: "meh, whatever"...I believe the following conversation actually take place:

                      Abraham Lincoln : " Take your army and go fight Mr. Lee"
                      George: "meh"
                      Lincoln: "No, really. You need to take your army and go fight"
                      George: "Not just now"
                      Lincoln: "This is our chance to get Lee on the run and strike a decisive blow. 
You must act now so we can end the war!"
                      George: " If I get around to it, but doubtful. I just don't feel like it"
                       Lincoln: "If you won't fight, I will find somebody who will and relieve you of command!"
                       George: "whatever"

           HAHAHA! I love this guy! I don't think any other man in history has exhibited such indifference. Historians think his unwillingness to engage in battle came from his paranoia. He was sure he didn't have enough men, when in reality he outnumbered Lee 2 to 1. He needed more supplies. He had enough. His horses were tired. His horses weren't tired and Lincoln wasn't about to buy in to this excuse. He wanted to know how the horses could be tired if they never did anything. A valid point, but I give McClellan an A for creativity. I'm going to try that as an excuse the next time somebody wants me to do something. "Sorry. no can do...my horses are tired."  We'd like you to give a talk next week in church"..."no can do, my horses are tired." it will totally work.  
               Lincoln eventually got fed up and fired McClellan. I think that's what his plan was all along. "If I do as little as possible, maybe I can get myself fired." This is what we indifferent people do....



                       *footnote*
                              besides being delighted that he was a complete lay-about, I find him quite handsome. I especially like this picture of him. Most men from that era weren't that much to look at, but George was downright hot! We would've gotten along quite well. Our combined indifference would be formidable....


                       

               

dead in a ditch

               She was right...I can't believe my mother was actually right! You know that ditch she's always talking about? Ya, well I found it...and I'm dead in it. This would be why the blog has been neglected and fallen into disrepair. And not a one of you even bothered to come looking for me to see if I required any assistance. Thanks a lot. And I'm fine now. I'm so glad you asked. You're probably wondering how I ended up dead in this ditch. Zombies pushed me in. My aunt refuses to acknowledge that this happened to me. I insisted that it did and pointed out that she couldn't possibly have any way of verifying, since she's been no where around. How does she know? She didn't come to my aid, either. And then she has the nerve to say I'm full of crap! No...the ditch was......a ditch full of zombie crap....stupid ditch....



                       *footnote*
                               FYI- when you google "dead in a ditch" under images, pictures of Amy Winehouse come up.....hmmmm..interesting. Amy Winehouse. dead in a ditch. I was not surprised. 

childhood toys.

                    I want to be a kid again. I loved being a kid. This responsible grown up thing has been fun, but I'd like to go home now. I want to go home to my toys. I had great toys - barbies and strawberry shortcake, cabbage patch kids and dollhouses. These are 2 of my  favorite childhood toys...and 2 of my oldest. No, I'm not going to tell you exactly how old. Just trust me when I say they're old, but thanks to my mother they are now new and improved! They look better than I do! She lovingly and painstakingly took them apart, washed them, replaced their parts and restitched them. The doll I got a few years ago and the puppy just this last christmas. I had actually forgotten all about him  until I opened him up. I am fully aware that he is pink and purple and should technically be a she. But he is not. Even though he is wearing a big pink bow.( you can't see it in the picture)  He's just in touch with his feminine side. He should be on "Project Runway" or "Queer eye for the straight dog" or something. And he has no name. Poor pink and purple puppy with no name. My doll never got a name either. If you have any suggestions, I'll be glad to hear them. 

                

             *footnote*

                     Now before you start sending me hate mail because I don't name my dolls and animals, I should tell you that I did name another doll I had. And it was a perfectly lovely name. Ginger Ale. Isn't that nice?

                    

I'm not dead yet!

    No, I'm not dead yet! So yes, I'm still here. I realize you've been alarmed by my absence. Let me start off by telling you what  DIDN'T happen to me.

             1. I am not dead in a ditch. I don't know where this ditch is or why my mother always thinks I'm going to end up dead in one..I would kinda like to know where it is just so I can avoid it.
             2. I was not kidnapped by aliens. That's just stupid. Kidnapped by zombies, yes....but not aliens. 

             3. I was not killed in the battles of Gettysburg or Antietam. I've been watching the Ken Burns Civil War series and the PBS American Experience "A House Divided". So this was a real possibility. I didn't get shot and no limbs were lost. What a relief!

          4. I didn't go down with the Titanic. Along with the civil war, I am fascinated by Titanic lore. I've been watching documentaries and reading up, so I know how it ends. Crisis averted! I didn't get on the ship....

          Now that you know what hasn't happened to me, I will tell you what I have been busy doing. I've been getting my ass handed to me by a 10 year old henchman. Why he likes beating me up, I don't know.  I've been dealing with an emotional hormonal basket case of a 13 year old. The joy. I've been exchanging snarky comments with a 15 year old. Now that's always fun! And of course there's doctors and dentists, running here, driving there. And just all around exuding awesomeness....it's what I do....

                    *footnote*
                           ok, I lied. I've actually been busy exuding my indifference. You may recall my earlier entry. I've been lying around the couch watching tv. I do glance over at my laptop every so often and go: "You really need to get on there and update the blog"....and then I go:..."meh...whatever." ....I'm still awesome, though. I'd never lie about that....

the vegas un-birthday party

           So I'm fixin' to turn 40 here in just a couple of months and I am NOT happy about it. To combat this dreadful event, I came up with a brilliant  fool-proof plan. "I know! I'm going to plan a  girls week end get away to fabulous las vegas for an un-birthday party to NOT celebrate my birthday!" I said to myself. What could possibly go wrong? I will tell you...

               1. My aunt became a big taker over person and decided she must stake her claim in the un-birthday week end as well. Never mind the fact that her birthday was in December. She would not be denied her share of the attention. So being the kind, gracious and wonderful niece I am, I warmly and enthusiastically offered  her a percentage of my festivities. She was most grateful and is now humbly indebted to me....forever...

              2. My dad became a big invited himself person. This was intended as a GIRLS week end get away. I guess He didn't want to be left home alone and seeing as he did play a minor role in my birthday, and being the kind, gracious and wonderful daughter I am, I warmly and enthusiastically invited him to join us. He was most grateful and is now humbly indebted to me....forever...

           3. Unbeknownst to me, planning a big (family) week end get away to fabulous las vegas for an un-birthday party to NOT celebrate (our) birthdays is a major undertaking. It requires months of research and development and countless hours of hard work.Sending Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon took less time (space reference) The great wall of china was conceived and constructed with far less discussion and far fewer people involved. In short, it will take a miracle to get this thing off the ground......much like the very first space shuttle (another space reference) 

                                 *footnote*
                                       No need for alarm. As of right now, the plans for the big week end get away seem to be coming along nicely. I know you were worried for me. And if all goes well, we should be attending the always stellar "thunder from down under". This will make all the months of careful and meticulous work worth it. ....and we're going to have fun, damn it! 

super-something

          Ok, Something's up. I'm getting the sense that it's something big, too. What is it? You can't fool me. I was at the store this past week and noticed beer specials and cakes in the shape of footballs. This can only mean one thing - a sporting event of some kind. I have no idea what, but it has to be a super something. No matter. I won't be watching it anyway. I despise football. I despise all sports. ok, that's not true. I like baseball. And I love baseball players. But that's another story for another day. Football is stupid. Football fans are even stupider. I was subjected to repeated play by plays every 5 seconds on facebook.... I DON'T CARE!! It's men wearing weird uniforms and funny helmets running back and forth while kicking a ball. The end. ohhhh exciting!!!....NOT! I'll never understand it.....stupid football..


                              *footnote*
                                      I did find this funny, though. It's superbowl barbie! Touchdown! Looks like she's got football fever...